Elvis Coldwater is a thirty-four year old writer from the Jersey Shore, having been drawn to Seaside Heights four years before MTV and seven years before Hurricane Sandy.  He announced his presence in 2006 by winning a fried Oreo eating contest.  Lately his life has been dominated by Italian-American women in bikinis; and a Vietnam veteran and stray cats during the winter.  His writing has been described as handsome, polite, sexy-smelling, slim yet doughy around the middle, definitely doable overall, though you probably wouldn't brag about it to your friends.